your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
