Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
