Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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