Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
