he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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