11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
