When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
