That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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