does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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