i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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