If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
