I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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