So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
