i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
