Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
