I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
