does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
