Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
