Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
