your parents love me but you hate me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
