mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
