I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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