The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
