his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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