im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
porn star boner night. come get it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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