After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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