I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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