Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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