I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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