I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
