Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
