I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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