connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
