I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
