I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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