You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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