just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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