I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
