It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So much rum. So many feels.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
