i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
