Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it's great music for shaving your balls
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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