Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
