He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
