u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
my being single is dangerous.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
