the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
