i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
