Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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