I seem to have left my pride at pride
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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