My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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