last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm passing your future prison.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i've created a new STD.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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