I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
