pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
