I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.