i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.