sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for