I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
