9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
