I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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