Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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